But now, only an hour or so later, I notice that I am not. This is really strange, like I know I will end up, going out to buy a package and a bottle of diet coke, another one of my addictions.

Like my mind has made up that, with those 2 items at hand, I will be so more productive, being able to keep on working without a break…

It is like my mind has already decided that I will go out, that that one last pack really doesn’t matter that much, and after that I might give it another try.

And the stupidest thing of all was, that I still feel the need of keeping up appearances with people I don’t even know.

You know what I thought, once my mind was made up about buying the pack? Shall I or shall I not write it in my blog?

It is not like anyone really cares about whether I will go out and buy a package, only an hour after declaring I would not.

It is not like anybody is actually reading this blog anyways.

But still… it being “public” makes me think about honesty.

How hard is it to be really honest with oneself?

How hard is it to be really 100% honest in a blog? And … is it really important, does it matter to anybody who is reading this, whether I am going to be honest about smoking or not?

Isn’t that just the silliest thing of all?

Well, it might be, … but to me, it feels like something really important, something I really need to sort out for myself.

Like for instance, whenever people ask me what I do for a living, I can only answer “something with websites” … because deep down, I feel ashamed that I still have trouble making ends meet. Deep down I feel ashamed that I am not meeting standards. Maybe at times I even think of my own work as a waste of time, while at other moments I am so inspired and convinced that I will make it, that I am able to create the life I want to lead.

So convinced really, that I felt the need to open this blog, and finally finally get real. Start owning my present, start owning my feelings, my needs and desires. Because… deep down, I believe that the only way to actually get where I want to be, is by being completely HONEST with MYSELF.

That… plus I wanted to save money, not going to a shrink, but just dottering it down.

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Still without smoking, … a couple of days now, and from earlier intents, I know what is coming ahead now…. the little mind games like “come on, 1 would not matter” or “go and buy your last pack of ciggies, it will help you concentrate”

…. but…. Today I made promised myself … to have another day with clean air for my longues and saving another € 3.15

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