the missing piece of the puzzleGrowing up, my father always told me I would never be rich, because I just liked to live an easy life without too many problems. I guess he came to that conclusion because I was always an even-tempered person, offering a shoulder to lean on for anybody who needed it, and never wanting to do wrong.

Now I finally see how his statements have planted little seeds in the back of my head, that anything I would do would not make me rich anyways.

After all, “being rich meant life is not easy”. So basically I learned it was wrong to be rich. He has done really well for himself money wise, but emotionally he is probably the poorest person I know, not being able to express feelings and needing his monetary status to boost his ego. Because of many little things that happened in the past, the more I came to think of it, the worst it was to be rich.

So guess what, I have been having a huge problem with trying to make more money than what I strictly needed to survive. I have had a huge problem making money because of that inner battle caused by my belief system, my values and ethics.

I did not want to be like my dad, who I felt looks down at poorer people, I did not want to be like him, putting a value on people based on the things they owned.

More than anything did I want to be liked for other reasons, my sincerity, my caring personality and ability to empathize with others, my generosity and giving each and everybody the same possibilities until they themselves would show me otherwise by their actions.

And you know what, all this stuff has been holding me back. All these little seeds that were planted ages ago have been growing into big firm trees, believers of the “do-no-wrong-on-others” train of thought and especially the “being rich means you need to profit from others, take advantage of them and look down on them”

Remember I mentioned I used to work as a car salesperson? I hated it, totally hated it, I just could not get myself to sell a too expensive car to people who could not really afford it. I could not get myself to convince people that the car they were looking at was the one they could not live without. I basically could not do it, because I was always looking at their best interest, not being able to combine that with my best interest in a way that would be ethically justifiable in my eyes.

So guess what, I turned to earning money online, basically so I would not have to trick people into buying stuff and spend their money in order to get ahead myself. I have been struggling for well over a year and a half and when I started this particular blog I was still (and am) severely struggling to make ends meet month after month, up to the point that at times I would have to chose between buying food for my dogs and horses or my own bread.

And the more I was struggling, the more this inner gut feeling started nagging. The more inner battles came up, fighting internally between getting back to a low paid job and giving up, or continue doing what I was doing, fighting to find solutions that would be in line with my own values.

If you have read my blog for a while, you know that I have been posting on things like integrity, sincerity and people taking advantage of others in order to get ahead themselves. I was never able to offer solutions because I just did not have them myself, but my posts would get quite a lot of feedback after such a short existence, which helped me a lot on my way and maybe does offer something valuable to people reading between the lines.

I grew up with a handicapped sister who to this day has a really negative attitude towards people and life in general. Many have said to me things like “who can blame her for her way of dealing with life if you look at the cards she was dealt” whenever I expressed my worries about how our own attitude towards life attracts exactly what we think of ourselves. Before I moved to Spain over 10 years ago, I knew her handicap would get her into bigger troubles, but I just had to leave the negative environment I felt I was in.

Unfortunately I was right. She has been slammed with cancer and has been fighting to conquer that for the past 3 or 4 years. It is heartbreaking to see that my gut feeling was so dead on. For many years I have felt guilty for what she uses to say to me, “you have it all and I have nothing”. Having “it all”, being happy, succesfull, etc, turned into a negative thing without me noticing it.

I got into reading a lot of books related to the force behind “The Secret” and the “Law of Attraction”. And it was this morning that I received a “Note from the Universe”, a daily emailing service I have signed up for many months ago. Today’s message gave me the chills and brought me to tears. To me it relates directly to the feelings I have been trying to deal with regarding my dad.

What if the one person

who you believed liked you the least,

Mirjam,

loved you the most?

Yeah,

“Hate when that happens….”
The Universe

A light bulb moment, I think I have judged him wrong all these years and holding on to the grudge I have felt towards him has only made me hurt myself. I am pretty sure he won´t read this, but if he does one day, please know I misunderstood your actions.

It feels like all of a sudden, in a matter of 24 hours, a lot of thoughts have come together and fallen into place. A lot of answers I was looking for without realising it myself. I found the answer to my own issues regarding money and why it was I could not get myself to actually do what I need to do.

There is no way I could ever blame anyone for what has happened in my childhood that made me believe making money or being truly happy was a bad thing. Nor would I ever blame other people’s actions and things they have said to me that have hurt me deep down. I can only be grateful for knowing that deep down they really cared for me all time and love me unconditionally.

It has made me into the person I am today.

But now I found just how much things being said to me repeatedly in the past have put such a profound stamp on my belief system, without me realizing the full and extended consequences. It is only down to me now to take full responsibility over the actions I take from hereon and the way I live the rest of my life.

I am going to take Vic’s advice of enjoying my b-day next week. There are exactly 8 days left to my party, but only 6 for my mother to arrive who lives at 2400 kilometres from here. I haven’t seen her for many months and am so looking forwards to her being here.

I will be taking some time off to do things for myself and do a little pampering. I will be checking in to read comments and reply but will not post until the 15th since I will be busy finally setting up a plan of action and focus and do a lot of celebrating once my mom gets here.

Thank you all so much, for reading me, for commenting, for giving me little pieces to the puzzle, for supporting me and for just being there! Thank you for writing all those inspiring posts I have been reading lately. It means the world to me, more than you will ever know.

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