I sure many of you who have found my blog have struggled yourself with mental health challenges. Or maybe you're one of the lucky ones who have never really struggled with anxiety or depression and your just curious to know how the brain of someone who's not you works. Either way, welcome, as I try to explain just exactly how my brain works, or well doesn't work.
Usually, when my mental health starts to decline, I completely ignore it. Yep, that's right, I ignore almost all feeling at almost all times. And on a good day, that's fine. But it gets a lot harder to ignore the glaringly obvious signs of depression as it creeps back into daily life. But you guessed it, I continue to ignore whatever those feelings are, at all costs.
Feeling down? It was just a bad day. Feeling anxious? There's a lot going on, I'm just a little overwhelmed. Breakdown? I'm just tired or I don't feel well. And while all of those are true statements, I am completely ignoring the pattern and frequency that they come in. I ignore and I ignore until I can't anymore.
But what's my telltale sign that I'm ignoring the bigger picture again? Well, it's actually a very easy answer. It's not a lack of showering. Or lack of sleep. Or even too much sleep. It's not I can't get out of bed today. Or even a burnt out feeling that I sometimes get. No, my telltale sign that my mental health is off it's rocker? I start watching Grey's Anatomy again.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, what does Grey's Anatomy have to do with literally anything? Well in truth, it has a lot of factors for me. The first one is, I'm obsessed with quotes. So, the speeches at the beginning and end of every episode, plus great monologues in the episodes feed into my love of quotes with a dramatic flair. I also really like that the main characters are all "dark and twisty", something about that makes them more relatable, more like me, especially when I, myself, am feeling dark and twisty. And once I get going on the show, something about it makes me want to not sleep. It makes me want to stay up later than I normally would for just one more episode. The intensity, no matter how fake the show is, gives real feelings. Feelings that typically, when I am in a good mental health space, I can ignore.
I typically do not watch or want to watch Grey's anatomy when I am in a good headspace. It brings up past feelings and thoughts that I want absolutely no part in. However, when I am feeling down, it makes my feelings seem valid and as though I am not alone. Even if I am. The world doesn't stop for anyone, but there are moments that are telling. Typically, I deny my depression until it goes away before I even realize it was more than just a few bad days or months. It wasn't enough to totally disrupt my life. It was there, but it was deniable. But when I start Grey's Anatomy, it reaches a point where I cannot deny it anymore. I'm back in that dark whole, and I'm watching something that both brings out those ugly feelings and comforts me, just the same.