The other day, my mom told me something interesting. She said that me and my youngest sister, have an incredible ability to say just enough. We have perfected the ability to tell people just enough so they don't worry, or ask more questions. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was a defense mechanism of sorts that we both had perfected over years.
If one can say, just enough to keep themselves from getting in trouble, then why wouldn't you choose that option? If you don't want someone to keep asking 'are you okay?' or you just don't even want it to be a question that you are okay, you say what you think they want to hear. Or you say the things you know they want for you. "Yea, of course my mental health is good." "Yea, I'm not depressed, it's just been a rough couple weeks, no big deal." You find ways around the things you don't want to talk about. You become a master of changing the conversation so it doesn't revolve around you.
Is this a healthy solution? No, probably not. Is it something I even realized I did? No, I absolutely didn't. But when my mom said such a seemingly innocent comment, my brain took it and analyzed it, like it does with most things people say to me.
The other problem is, now that I'm aware that I do it, am I going to stop doing it? Am I going to be more honest about how I'm feeling or what's going on? The whole point of starting this blog was to be honest about my feelings and the things I'm going through. But I also don't want the questions. The 'why are you like that's and the super intimate part. There's reasons that I don't want people to necessarily know who's behind the blog because these are real, intimate pieces of myself. These are things that I wouldn't necessarily always be comfortable sharing with anyone other than my best friend. And isn't as though I am ashamed that I struggle with depression and anxiety. It isn't as though I'm ashamed of my life or whatever.
Part of it is, I've only shared a lot of my feelings with only two people. I'm just starting to bring my family into my mental health struggles. I struggle with being vulnerable. I struggle with the 'someone always has it worse' mentality, and that I know I am lucky. So I say just enough to keep myself from getting those words thrown back in my face. It's a tightrope walk.
This blog is a place for me to be vulnerable. To express myself. I know that so many others do the same things as I do. They aren't always honest with others, but they themselves know the truth. This blog is to tell you that you are not alone in these feelings. You are not crazy. You are doing just fine. Let's work on this together, okay?
I hope you all have lovely days. And I will talk to you in the next blog.
Till Next Time,